Aparajita Saha

Might as well face it, Kahin Pyaar Na Ho Jaaye is about as original and as entertaining as a shirtless Salman Khan.

I mean, what were the film-makers thinking? What were the actors thinking? The most obvious answer is that they weren't!!! That is the only justification for coming up with a story as banal, as hackneyed and as badly executed as this one.

There's nice-guy-no-money Prem who is jilted in love by helpless-circumstances Nisha (Raveena Tandon). So nice-guy-no-money falls for I-believe-in-arranged-marriage Priya (Rani Mukherjee). The plot thickens as I-believe-in-arranged-marriage is engaged to not-nice-but-rich Rahul (Inder Kumar).

Anyone afflicted with the Bollywood syndrome and/or has an IQ level of 15 will realise that the rest of the film revolves around the chasms that separate I-believe-in-arranged-marriage and nice-guy-no-money and how they are overcome.

For all Salman Khan fans: Give KPNHJ a miss if you still want to retain your loyalty to the man. Though he tries his level best to enlist the audience's sympathy, he fails miserably. They are too busy feeling sorry for themselves for being put through this tortuous 'movie'.

Ditto for all those losing sleepless nights over Rani. Just when you give her credit for films like Hey! Ram and Har Dil Jo Pyar Karega, she goes and does a KPNHJ.

Of course, there's an entire line-up of supporting actors faithfully doing their bit, so the audience's ire can be equally distributed. Like Kashmira Shah, for example, who plays Salman's sister. And -- will wonders never cease? -- she has no cabaret song in the film.

Raveena spends all of her screen time -- approximately seven minutes 38 seconds -- either looking despondent or dancing. Inder Kumar beats her by showing up for eight minutes 49 seconds, but looks half as good. Compared to these two, Pooja Batra hogs the show: She displays a perfect 10 figure and a perfect lack of talent.

A disinterested Mohinsh Behl is the hen-pecked brother-in-law while a puffy-faced, overly made-up and excessively wasted Jackie Shroff is Salman's best friend. There's Shakti Kapoor in a role that will surely win him an award for the most non-funny comedic performance ever.

Musically speaking, composer Himesh Reshammiya has come up with only two songs that are worth lending your ears to -- Savariya and the title song. Director K Murli Mohan Rao must have been relatively free during the making of this movie, since it's practically directionless. It goes on and on; unfortunately, it doesn't go anywhere.

Nothing -- not the music, nor the acting, nor the direction -- can ensure you your money's worth. Instead, save your moolah for a rainy day.

Credits
Director: K Murli Mohan Rao

Cast: Salman Khan, Rani Mukherjee, Mohnish Behl, Kashmira Shah, Raveena Tandon, Inder Kumar, Shakti Kapoor, Jackie Shroff, Pooja Batra, Reema Lagoo

Producer: Narendra Baja

Music: Himesh Reshammiya

Lyrics: Sudhakar Sharma, Rajesh Malik