Ashok Banker

What do the stars foretell for themselves in 2001?

A list of starry New Year resolutions, compiled by our joking Jyotish:

Part I: THE HEROES

HRITHIK ROSHAN

1 I will not give any interviews

2 I will not give any interviews

3 I will not give any interviews

4 I will not give any interviews

5 I will not give any interviews

6 I will not give any interviews

7 I will not give any interviews

8 I will not give any interviews

9 I will not give any interviews

10 If I give any interviews, I will not mention Nepal or the Nepalese people. In fact, I won't mention any people or country at all. I'll answer all questions only with Yes or No.

To indicate Yes, I'll flex my biceps.

To indicate No, I'll just smile.

But on second thought, I will not give any interviews.

ABHISHEK BACHCHAN

I've been a Refugee from the media long enough.

This year, I will welcome the media with open arms. If they feel I am a non-starter and not worth interviewing, then I will welcome them by twisting their arms!

Once I get a lot of publicity, I will then use all the tactics my rivals have been using to get ahead in their careers so successfully.

First, like Shah Rukh Khan, I will produce my own film and star in it.

Also, like Shah Rukh, I will start my own website: ABJrworld.com.

Then like Hrithik, I will get married to my longtime girlfriend. But since I don't have a longtime girlfriend, I will have to find one first. I will also build up my body like Hrithik.

And finally, since Hrithik has become so successful without promoting himself in the media, I'll also start saying no comment to everyone...starting with this interview. No comment.

AMITABH BACHCHAN

A To host many more episodes of KBC

B To act in more big banner movies like Mohabbatein

C To earn tons of money from A and B, pay off my debts and bail out ABCL

D To make the same mistakes I made before by running ABCL, lose all the money I've earned, and go back to A again.

SHAH RUKH KHAN

Just because Hrithik Roshan has become a megastar overnight, that doesn't mean I'll sit and mope like Devdas.

Alright, so I will sit and mope like Devdas for some time.

But after that, I'll come back fighting and massacre my rivals just like Ashoka The Great massacred his enemies at Kalinga.

And then, when the media applauds me and crowns me SRK The Great once more, I will be as gracious as the Buddha and will forgive the media for deserting me and my rivals for daring to challenge me.

After that, I'll go back to being my old arrogant self again.

GOVINDA

This yaar, I am making 20 more phillums starring 20 different heroines and directed by 20 unknown directors.

Some of the titles will be Flop No 1, Bore No 1, Yawn No 1, Bakwas No 1, Bekaar No 1, Mahabore No 1...

The other titles are yet to be decided by my brother.

I will also do some more ad phillums in my underwear. Because what to do? Audiences want to see me in my chaddi-banyan.

I will also do one TV show on Sony TV called Jeeto Chaddi Phaad Ke. Because Amitji is doing a TV show, and Bade Miyan (to) Bade Miyan, Chhote Miyan subhaan Allah!

AKSHAY KUMAR

I will try to stay faithful to Twinkle. I'll really do my best. I'll make a very good effort.

Main puree koshish karoonga to be a loyal husband and not to stray.

But just in case some pretty heroine seduces me, then I will first make her sign an agreement not to talk to the press about it afterwards!

AJAY DEVGAN

I'll make the most expensive film in Bollywood history. It will be called Rani Chachi. Kajol will act as Rani Chachi and I will act as her nephew.

Together we will save the world and help all the children.

SALMAN KHAN

If you write one word about Ash and me, I will break your computer.

If you take one picture of us, I will break your camera.

If you print anything about our affair, I will break your office.

If you don't do any of these things and give us the publicity we need, I will break your thopda.

AAMIR KHAN

I am going to change completely this year and surprise people: Instead of acting in just one very good film in 2000, I will act in one-and-a-half good films.

The half film will be completed and released in 2001.

I will change my look and style totally this year: By cutting my hair one millimetre shorter and not shave for two days.

I will act bold and brashly this year and stir up major controversies: By telling the world how much I love my wife and family and by insisting that they have to pose with me in all my publicity shots.

This is the year in which I will shock the industry and fans and media and show them what a wild crazy talented actor I am.

SANJAY DUTT

It depends on what Mahesh Manjrekar plans for me this year. Ask him, yaar.

JACKIE SHROFF

1 I will speak my dialogues more clearly.

2 I will speak my dialogues more clearly.

3 I will speak my dialogues more clearly.

4 Iwillspeak mydialoguesmore clearly.

5 Iwillspeakmydialoguesmoreclearly.

6 Iillpeakydialogueorelearly.

7 Ipeakdialogueolearly.

8 Eakdialogueearly.

9 Eaiaouearly.

10 Ay, bhidu, kaiko dimaag kharela re? Dialogue hi bolna hai na?

ANUPAM KHER

I will not cohost a television game show. I will not host a television game show.

Even if I die, I will not ghost-host a television game show.

But just in case I do decide to host, cohost or ghost-host a television game show, I will make sure my entire fee is paid in advance and that I am paid at least double of any cohost.

And that even if the show is a failure and gets cancelled, I will stay the host!

The Heroines: Part II