No Keanu do!

Vivek Fernandes

Be warned. If you want two hours and four minutes of a schmaltzy, sappy saga, Sweet November is right up your alley.

But it won’t tug at your heartstrings or do anything for your tearducts. Because all Sweet November leaves you feeling is nothing… sweet nothing.

In pretty San Francisco, we chance upon Nelson Moss (Keanu Reeves) -- workaholic creative ad exec and the biggest egotistical SOB you'll ever meet. "Worrying about losing keeps you winning," is his personal tagline. He even has a fish for a pet.

Sara Deever (Charlize Theron), on the other hand, is a fun-loving, free-spirited maverick who has quit her former fastpaced life to live for the moment.

The two doth meet in an examination hall while taking a written driving test. And a couple of encounters later, Sara offers Nelson a complete change of lifestyle.

She's willing to work on him for a month, help him to enjoy the simple pleasures life has to offer; take time off to stand and stare. All he needs to do is move in with her and let her take control.

Why? We don't know just yet and neither does Nelson, who is unwilling to play along. But karma wills otherwise, he loses his job, his swanky car and his girl, all in the same day -- the first of November. With nothing to lose, he returns to Sara as guinea pig.

He isn't her first though. Sara apparently takes a man under her wings every month. And, with her TLC, helps them overcome their personal demons. A month is as long as she's willing to give to each of her experiments -- it is long enough to accomplish the objective and short enough not to be serious.

November, as Nelson is now referred to, chucks his cellphone, watch and Armanis to find his bliss with Sara. Close encounters of the strange kind with transvestite friends, poodle pups and lonely neigbour kid follow.

Slowly, but surely, Sara peels the shell Nelson has built around himself off, much to the chagrin of his ex-chela.

Even though it’s not part of the deal, Sara finds herself falling in love with Nelson. But she can’t let herself.

Why, you ask? Because she’s dying of cancer. Here’s when her motive to be in the driver’s seat, is unveiled.

A rather doleful end, with an if-you-love-somebody-let-them-go twist, completes this nauseatingly sentimental tale.

To blame for much of the film’s woes is Keanu Reeves. The man is utterly unconvincing. In his big meltdown scene, he's as flat as two-week old Pepsi. He even sings in this film, and an Elvis he is not.

South African beauty Charlize and Keanu made a pretty hot couple in the Devil's Advocate, but they’d get an F for the chemistry here.

Charlize, by herself, makes the grade. Just about.

Killing Me Softly would be a more fitting title for this film.

For all ye Keanu Matrix Reeves fans, who wouldn’t want to give this a miss, be my guest. Go ahead and watch it.

At your own peril.