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The punching bag

Firdaus Ali

The family of Amarjeet Kaur [not her real name] in Punjab was ecstatic when they found a well-settled spouse for their only daughter. That, especially because Amarjeet wasn't very pretty nor could she read and write.

The man they had chosen for her was educated and lived in Canada which, they felt, would provide their daughter with all the happiness their little town could never provide.

Like most newly-weds, Amarjeet was a little starry-eyed. But she soon discovered that her husband was an alcoholic, lived on social welfare and was a male chauvinist. He had also been married several times before.

He decided that he was the master and she the slave. So Amarjeet's married life began with mental torture, abuse and insult. She was abused mentally first and, later, physically too, often being slapped unconsciousness.

She was happier when she learnt she was pregnant, thinking things would change with the baby's arrival. As often happens, they didn't.

Amarjeet was beaten, slapped, kicked and thrown down a flight of stairs. The reasons could be as trivial as a meal that didn't meet her husband's taste or, well, because he just felt like it.

Anything could trigger an attack -- a meal not sufficiently warmed or simply a foul mood.

Many Asian immigrants who are married to Indian settlers in Canada voice Amarjeet's dilemma of abuse and wife-battering episodes.

"One in every four south Asian women is abused -- physically, emotionally, financially or psychologically," says Baldev Mutta, community development officer at the Peel Health Department, Toronto.

Amarjeet's dilemma worsened because she has no relatives or friends in Canada and knows very little English (she still speaks only Punjabi).

"I took to temporary jobs and my husband controlled all my money and pay cheques. I was a puppet and the strings were in his hands," she says.

Her husband once threatened her with a revolver; on another occasion, he told her he would hire a contract killer to eliminate her. After two years of living in fear, Amarjeet finally sought help from a Canadian social organisation. But that wasn't before she had had her head banged into the wall several times, fractured a few ribs and broken her nose.

"I would have never taken help for myself, but found my two-year-son roughly shaken during our fights. His speech is delayed and he has behavioural disorders. I decided it was time to walk away," she says.

But the road to freedom wasn't easy. Today, Amarjeet lives in constant fear. Though her husband remains behind bars on a charge of physical abuse, she knows it will not be long before he is a free man again and comes for her.

There are many south Asian women like Amarjeet who treat domestic abuse as something they have to endure all their lives. "Violence is the No 1 health hazard in the Peel region in Canada's Ontario province," says Mutta. Peel is predominantly inhabited by Indian settlers.

Alcohol abuse is the number one reason cited for family fragmentation and violence against women. Mutta runs a private counselling agency for men with an alcohol problem and female victims of abuse. Eighty per cent of his cases are referrals from probation and parole officers and, sometimes, from medical practitioners.

In his 10 years of dealing with abuse victims, he has never come across a case of a man being battered by his spouse. "Some men are emotionally deprived, but those cases are negligible," says Mutta.

"The cases that are reported are just a handful. Almost 80 per cent of cases go unheard of and unreported. On an average, a south Asian woman is abused 30 times before she seeks help," says Mutta.

Abuse arises from the need to be in power and total control and, in most cases, stems from deep insecurities, he says. "The abuser most often is a male... who as a child has witnessed immense abuse to his mother, sister or loved one in the family. In some cases, he has been a victim of child abuse and grows up to repeat and imitate the behaviour he has seen in his formative years," says Geeta Morar, a psychotherapist from Toronto.

Morar's solution includes yoga, meditation and therapy for victims. "I include the abuser, if possible, in the sessions and talk about the impact of abuse and the solutions that are available," she says. "Once the woman comes out of the four walls and decides to share her atrocities, the first step has been taken."

Another family counsellor, Neeta Pherwani, who works with the Honey Church Family Resource Centre of the Salvation Army in Toronto, says, "Though most victims of family abuse are women, sometimes it is a teenager or senior citizen who seeks help. Teenagers often have a rift with their parents due to the generation gap and seniors sometimes find themselves being abused despite giving their entire pension cheques to their children," she says.

Most counsellors working with families in Canada feel that south Asian victims of abuse in the West are better off than back home. "There is no law in India or Pakistan that declares wife abuse a crime," says Zarina Shirazi, a wife-abuse counsellor working with the South Asian Family Support Services in Toronto. "There are also many cultural barriers that prevent women from bringing abuse out in the open. Family elders most often act as barriers and the woman often tends to lose out," says Shirazi, who counsels almost 300 women a year.

Few women know, for instance, that in Canada there is a time limit of three months for women in abusive situations to apply for priority housing. Little or no information, no language skills, and cultural barriers make women stay in abusive situations for a longer period of time.

"Women have to get out before the situation becomes chronic," says Shirazi, who had to take police protection once while counselling an abuse victim. The abuser threatened her, then stalked her, forcing her to seek protection for a while.

"The key lies in education, both for the abused and the abuser. More such workshops, seminars and conferences should take place to educate both men and women on the issue and impact of abuse," she says.

Jackie Fernandes, who works with The India Rainbow Services, an immigrant support service, says there are many kinds of cases: pregnant women being kicked and beaten by in-laws and husbands; a teenager traumatising his mother and grandmother and later attempting suicide; children falsely accusing parents of abuse... And many more.

Immigrant woes and job blues are also factors that trigger abuse. "South Asian families which migrate to Canada have a struggle period where jobs and acceptance to a new environment takes time. Abuse is sometimes highest during this period as expectations are very high from the Western world," says Fernandes.

"Of a hundred cases, only 10 get out of the abusive situation and carry on with their day-to-day lives. Ninety per cent go back to live in their traumatic situation," she says.

Manju Panchapakesan, also a counsellor with India Rainbow for 10 years, feels that most south Asian women are 30 years behind their Western counterparts. Most south Asians face a settlement problem. Women come to their centre inquiring about language or job skills and subtly drop the hint that their spouses abuse them. That is when the family counsellors come in.

"Women can still bring themselves to talk about physical abuse, but often shy away from talking of sexual abuse. A large percentage of husbands/spouses resort to sexual abuse, but women remain in this situation due to the stigma south Asian societies attach to separation or divorce. Many a time they hope that their husbands will come around," says Panchapakesan.

According to Mutta, seven of every 10 abusers come around, but three turn avengers who stalk their victims and threaten them with bodily harm.

The media plays a seminal role in preventing abuse. "The media can provide a helpline or support service to victims of family abuse," says Sujata Berry, a producer with the Canadian Broadcasting Corp in Toronto. "But the solution has to come from the women themselves and how they choose to fight it."

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