SPECIALS
INTERVIEWS
CAPITAL BUZZ
REDIFF POLL
DEAR REDIFF
THE STATES
YEH HAI INDIA
ARCHIVES

Reality bites

Your friendly psychopath has just returned from a not entirely satisfying trip to the Hindu Kingdom of Nepal. Reason for sulking: about three years ago, the authorities banned pot. Sigh. Thus, one had to rely on rakshi, the extremely potent local rice wine -- served free at almost every ethnic bhojan-graha -- to help one lose sense of time, place, nukes and Budgets. The 80-per cent-proof plasma is served in tiny clay cups (beamed down from a suraahi from a height of at least 4 feet, with not a drop spilled), and the good people figure that no one can possibly down more than a cup or two. Ha! Little do they know India's desperadoes... Cleaned them out, we did.

It so happened that the President of India, too, decided that Kathmandu was the in place to be. The mater, with family, was promptly invited to the reception hosted by the Indian embassy. But, alas, your columnist couldn't gain entry to do any first-hand reportage since she hadn't travelled with the mandatory National Costume/Lounge Suit/Uniform. Back one went to rakshi...

I suppose I could tell you what Nepal's like, but I don't think you should rely on impressions gleaned through an inebriated haze. For, the only time I was alert was when I met the out-going head- priest of the Pashupatinath Temple, Shri Ananth Shastri. My take: his removal had nada to do with either a Nepalese nationalist movement aimed at ousting an Indian priest and installing a Nepali one, or the alleged corrupt practices of Shri Shastri. It's the usual tale of politicians salivating to take over the administration of the temple's lands and treasury -- which, since the days of Adi Shankaracharya, has been under the aegis of the head-priest. Certain ministers and bureaucrats had been agitating since years to nullify the power of the priest, and the newly appointed Somaiyaji is said to have been in tune with the coterie.

The King tried to smoothen things, but ultimately kept aloof so that the temple wouldn't be embroiled in a full-scale strife.

Oh but I see that I've returned to routine chaos here as well...

One of the first things I heard was that Pritish Nandy (of Defending Thackeray fame) has been nominated to the Rajya Sabha by the Shiv Sena. Apparently, Balasaheb even defended his selection of The Faithful One by slamming the baffled and inquiring journalists: Ya baeelaana kaay hava te bolu dya (Let the bulls say what they like). The pun's on the superiority of Shiva's Nandi Baeel. I wonder, how does the secular legion of Nandy-fans feel about the miracle... Hahahahaha... Don't worry too much about it, guys: it's a match made in heaven. And you can take that any which way you want.

Actually, this reminds me of The Spectator's Taki, a columnist whom I absolutely worship. He's an elitist, right-wing, shipping tycoon who writes exactly how he feels, whichever way he wants, and because he thoroughly enjoys it. Needless to say, he doesn't give a gnat's ass about public opinion. Naturally: Like me, his bread-and-butter doesn't depend on the perversities of editors, readers, foundations and NGOs...

Taki's language, wit and attacks are far more lethal than mine, but, unlike our holy desis, the British have a tremendous sense of humour, intelligence and fair play and so there's no clamouring for his dismissal... In one column, he asks, "Is there any form of human life quite so low as a journalist?... Let's face it, these lefties posing as seekers of truth are in reality perverters of our democratic procedures. They impose an extremist, minority view on a hapless majority... It all has to do with honour, or the lack of it." As they say, ghar-ghar ki kahaani...

Next, there was a two-day seminar held in Bombay, to deliberate on the glorious role of the late Ayatollah Khomeini in "the revitalisation of Islam"... The deputy leader of the Congress in UP, Syed Mohammed Rizvi, Islamic scholar Rafiq Zakaria, and president of the Anjuman-e-Islam, Ishaq Jamkhanawala, lectured on the occasion. Understandably, Salman Rushdie and Taslima Nasreen weren't invited. I wonder... where were all those secular/liberal dorks who harp on the alleged Nazism of Dr Hegdewar? But then again, just the word "Islam" has the potency of Super-strong Ariel: sab mayl dho deta hai. Even if it be blatant international terrorism...

Next, the First Draft Dodger announced his decision to give the Most-Favoured-Nation status to China. I suppose, this must be in reward for China's delivering missile and nuclear technology to Pakistan, its long democratic tradition which manifested itself in events like the Tiananmen Square massacre, and its alleged illegal contributions to the president's campaign. And this even as the US administration denounced India for exercising the nuclear option, tried to intimidate the P-5 nations into criticising India during the meeting of foreign ministers in Geneva *and* tracked a Chinese ship carrying weapon components and electronics destined for Pakistan's nuclear weapons laboratory...

Let's see now... In 1974, China grabbed the Paracels and built an airbase at Woody Island. In 1992, it lay claim to 80% of the South China Sea (as far down as Malaysia and Indonesia) via a "Law on the Territorial Waters and their Contiguous Areas." In 1995, China grabbed land only 170 km from the Filipino island of Palawan, and also entered Japanese waters to prospect for oil. Between March 4 and 18 in 1997, Chinese troops entered the Indian territory of Arunachal Pradesh six times, which incidents were brought to the notice of the then foreign minister, I K Gujral. China is further in the process of completing a long-range radar station in the Coco Islands in the Andaman Sea, and a Chinese submarine was also spotted in the area last year. And, the less said about Tibet, the better...

Next, US defence secretary William Cohen declared that the Kashmir issue should be put on the "international agenda to ease tensions between India and Pakistan". Karl Inderfurth even had the gall to state that China "has actually had a constructive role to play" with respect to Kashmir. Eh...? Tell me, don't you feel like a character in Alice's Wonderland? Or is that Aksai-Chin-land?

Next, I patted myself for my dazzling acumen after reading the report on Dr A P J Kalam's three secret visits to Israel in 1996 and '97. Well, well, well... from the mouths of babes pour words of wisdom: As I had written: "there are too many people from the 'undeclared' Israel in Delhi thesedays... Just wondering... Is international politics only that which is reported on the front pages...?" Just preening...

Then of course, I scanned what Rediff's regulars had to say about my masterful penmanship. As usual, I was delighted by the graphic imagery and restraint shown by some of the good folks. For instance: "I can picture you well enough as one of those wild goddesses, hair flying, blood dripping from your fangs, presiding over a terrible sacrifice at which the only offering is Muslim (preferably Pakistani, but Indian will do just as fine) blood. If that blood is even half as poisonous as you claim, then how come your insides are as yet unaffected by all that venom swirling there?"

Oooh... a regular Kalika, that's me. I rather cherish the image of being a Hindu Destroyer of Evil, and it's marvelous to know that I reach the parts that even Heineken doesn't. But tell me, who said my insides aren't affected by the hypocrisy of it all? Antacids come with the territory of saying-it-like-it-is... Reality bites.

And speaking of critics and medications, actually, at this moment, I'm not at all interested in any of these political happenings. All I'm dying to know is: does Viagra mitigate the, er... side-effects of Prozac? There seems to be so much frustration and defeat swirling in cyberspace, with every Altaf, Abhay and Rajesh concertedly demanding an end to my ongoing column... Guys, honestly, give it a shot before attempting my deflating expositions... And stay in touch now.

How Readers reacted to Varsha Bhosle's recent columns

Varsha Bhosle