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How to go down in history...

Thanks to friends, the few written words from home that I heard while abroad were only about moi -- to the effect that Bhosle either chickened out of this space for "lack of right-wing support," or was sulking since the "Shiv Sena sent Pritish Nandy to the Rajya Sabha instead of her." Hmmm... you know, people who take on the overwhelming secular/pinko writing-forces of India, do so sar pe kafan baandhe-hue. Our first act is to burn our bridges: there's simply no turning back. For we know precisely what we're up against: Like, even those sympathetic to my views spew the same sort of garbage at the first sign of dissent from me. One learns to revel in such adversities.

An equally ridiculous, though well-meaning (and I'm truly touched and cheered by the concern of some readers), postulation had been that I was sacked... Now you've simply got to understand that the sole worry of the press is how to hook readers (and thus, advertisers). Period. It does NOT wander into the uddhaar of the country. As long as people read me -- to relive their own frustrations, or to revile what they deem damnable -- the editors will love me. If my articles don't generate mail, that's when I'm up the proverbial creek.

As for my supposed aspirations to the Rajya Sabha, I trust that the rest of my penmanship will put that to rest... You see, Hindutvawadis are notorious for their antipathy to risque-ness, and your friendly battle-axe enjoys nothing if not that. I mean, these guys froth at the mouth at the very absence of a "ji"; and the less said about culture-vigilante Pramod Navalkar, the better. This shock-jock to aim for a House that commands decorum? You gotta be kidding! It's no place for wild young things.

In truth, I feel rusty. Not writing for nearly three months can do that to accidental scribes. Too, I've been entirely removed from the Indian political scene; being in the US can do that to non- wired tourists. So please give me time to recover my glorious trishul-toting self. Besides, sex is on my mind...

And so I come to the most squalid scandal the world's ever known: The Starr Report on the Draft Dodger's shortcomings. Sure, I know you're up to your chins in it, but I must have my say. And the first thing I've to declare is to orgasmic womandom: Girls, two out of ten is BAD! Let Monica Lewinsky's self-sacrifice not be the model to strive for! More, more, more... you must seek more! Only then will you be fortunate to achieve even two -- that's the nature of the male beast. Don't want to be left with a bad taste in the mouth, do you?

I admit, I just wasn't interested in Whitewater or Paula Jones -- I figured that since it had zip to do with anything Indian, it was none of my business. I got drawn to the buzz on a personal level, only after reading about the unrealised pleasures of an adventurous, presidential cigar. Apparently, after they were finished, Lewinsky left the Oval Office and walked through the Rose Garden. Fittingly, I think -- he had never promised her a rose garden. As they say, a woman is just a woman, but a cigar is a smoke! Even to the one who did not inhale.

From the 400-odd pages, I derived four images of President Clinton: The first was that of... Superman. I mean, who else but the red-caped one could have continued talking to a Member of Congress while being orally administered to -- not once, but thrice!? And once even while speaking about war veterans! Whew, it would be hard enough to concentrate on doodling if even the thought of an impending fruition should strike mere mortals...

The second image was that of a pretty pitiable and desperate person: The Leader of the Free World shouldn't have to make do with phone sex. No, honestly, it could be fun if it's foreplay, like when being primed before a tryst. But to rely on it for months is downright pathetic. Methinks, Jack wouldn't have had to do that. Nor did he have to conduct kiddy courtship games in stuffy passages. Too, his tally would've probably been 10-all. Sad, sad, sad... Come to think of it, which powerful man worth his salt would present a hat-pin instead of, say, a Jaguar to ensure sealed lips...?

The third image of the Prez moved me to say: What a patsy! The consistency with which Ms Lewinsky's detailed statements to the grand jury have been corroborated -- by depositions from her confidants; saved letters; testimonies of White House staff and Secret Service agents; White House records of entries/exits and phone calls -- indicate that he dallied with one smart cookie. I doubt if this in-public oral-sex thing has her all choked up; (naturally, he must be upset by how much damage her wagging tongue has caused). What a meticulous cataloguing of incidents! And this, even before considering the dress with the presidential seal of approval. Way to go, Monica! She sure knew how to go down in history.

At the fourth image, I cried: What a cad! Apropos the post-radio- address encounter, Mr Clinton testified to the grand jury: "I was sick after it was over and I, I was pleased at that time that it had been nearly a year since any inappropriate contact had occurred with Ms Lewinsky." SICK?! After you graciously leave behind your DNA? Oooh... Of course, it falls in well with his, oooh... I-don't-want-to-disappoint-you line to Ms Lewinsky. Too bad the smooth-talking rogue's got the otherwise-vociferous, largely- Democrat libbers under wraps, so to speak.

Does this mean I sympathise with Ms Lewinsky, probably the only woman in the world who saves her stains? Naah. Who, pray tell, wears a thong-bikini to work? As one talking-head put it, Who shows her underwear to a man at the first flit of flirtation (Hi, I'm Monica; wanna see my thong?)? Frankly, she sucks. I'd like to say easy come etc, but it was hardly even that. The babe knew what she was doing all along. Her record-keeping and demands for a UN post indicate that.

However, the one character in this sordid tale I'd still root for is the hapless Kenneth Starr. Hey, if I'd been called a liar and right-wing conspirator at the opening of a legitimate investigation, I'd have gone all the way, too. Mr Starr's course seems to have been: You think he's honest; well, here's the only way I can disprove that. And he did it, unlike the poor president, without holding back -- with a complete blow-by-blow account of the events. Frankly, America should be extolling his guts and a system that actually works.

Nevertheless, most Americans still support Mr Clinton: At least till I left, they didn't take even his vulnerability vis-a-vis threats and blackmail to be a liability to US internal/foreign affairs (for instance, what if the Cold War still existed and Ms Lewinsky had been a, er... swallow?). Suddenly, there's a sharp definition between "president" and "man" -- like, a good Prez needn't be a principled fella. Well, that's Machiavellian and I concur -- but what about the imbecility factor...? Besides, is this how they'd have reacted if not for the obvious charms of the scamp and the growing personality cult? What if he'd had a ski- slope nose like Nixon's? Stable economy, huh? Excuses... excuses...

Then, there's the all-forgiving support, a la OJ Simpson, from black Americans. Not to speak of that from his awesome fan- following among women. Whether Mr Clinton sinned or not is not the issue at all (I don't think he did and do let's leave spirituality out of politics). It's a matter of how shrewd and able he is to hold the most powerful post in the world. The president's greatest indictment is that he did not succeed at deceiving a judge, investigators, a grand jury, his aides and the public (he needs a pukka desi advisor for that). Given the dumbification of America, he may yet retain his job. It's increasingly becoming a nation of Mouseketeers and is neck-to-neck with India in hypocrisy.

As I see it, the only right thing for Mr Clinton to have said to Ms Lewinsky is: "Sweetie, you're delectable and I'm flattered. But this is your work-place and I'm your boss. I'm also a married man old enough to be your father. And I'm the President. Actually, why not wait two years and then see how it goes?" Sheesh, all he had to do was keep his pants zipped till the end of his term. Then, it would have been a personal ethics issue -- and not a national morality dilemma. As things stand, it looks hard for anybody to get him off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I'm in for more hate-mail since most desi Americans are staunch Clintonians because he's supposedly good for, dare I say it, minorities... Well, that would be the very last detail to deter me, don't you think? No different strokes, folks!

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