Truth, I know little about these latter-day Shankaracharyas, save that they are from the Advait Vedanta school of philosophy and regarded by many as leaders of Hinduism in a way in which the Pope is the leader of Christianity. Which perception I reject. For there are no religious commandments that a Hindu can brandish to dictate what's done and not. Interpretation does not a Pope make, and the concept of infallibility does not exist in Hinduism. Besides, "acharya" means "teacher," not "leader." Too, there are only four peeths - Puri in Orissa, Dwarka in Gujarat, Joshimath in no-clue and Sringeri in Karnataka - each headed by a Shankaracharya and established by the first, Adi Shankaracharya, over a thousand years ago. So I can't be bothered to keep track of every "leader" who crawls out of the religious woodwork.

I'm not sure if you've read Chubby's divine utterances vis-à-vis Kashmir; here's my pick: "The government should perform its role of governance and start talking to Hurriyat and no condition should be placed for such talks... I will awaken the masses about the ground realities in Kashmir... I will perform my religious duty but I also warn politicians not to further their politics of hatred and communalism. If they do not stop, the people would throw them out... I have visited Kashmir as part of religious duty. The religious heads should rise when the politicians fail to mitigate sufferings of the people..."

Cool, baby-o, well said. But, how about performing your role of religious instruction and travelling to Bihar, Gujarat and, well, every state, and talking to Hindus about the evils of the caste system...? How about doing your mite by awakening the masses to the fact that caste differences - as they exist now - were never a part of Hinduism and should be eradicated pronto? Is that too tough on your wee brain? Or have you gauged that such exertions won't bring you the masthead publicity in "secular" publications that railing against the so-called Hindutvawadis will...?

What religious duties have you performed so far? Have we heard you speak out on the caste-driven massacres by the Ranvir Sena? Did you utter a word after the last instance of sati...? Have you - and your cozy saffron set - anything to say about the devdasi system...? Barely adolescent girls are "married" off to deities, with each carrying a price that's given to her parents; meaning, sold to the temples. Priests persuade the illiterate parents to gift their daughters to the deity, which they do, little realising that the girls will end up as prostitutes in the brothels of big cities. The devdasi tradition is thriving in Karnataka despite the Karnataka Devdasi Prohibition Act of 1982. Does this not fall more within the purview of a Shankaracharya than secession does...? I'll tell you what: It's time that we, the Hindu people, rose and threw YOU buggers out for failing to mitigate our suffering!

And lo! The Hurriyat has developed so much confidence in the dork (who went on a "fact-finding mission" to the Valley a second time, if you please), that it has authorised him to take up the issue of human rights violations... So, referring to Hajibal which had witnessed a fierce fight between terrorists and the army and where two officers and three soldiers were killed, the Swami quoth, "We worship the cow. But I have seen even she being fired upon and killed. We have met orphans, widows and even seen the plight of trees which have been set ablaze," and is about to set sail against "gross human rights violations by security forces." He has asked his sidekick, NK Sharma, to be in touch with the US-endorsed party of terrorists for an assessment of custodial killings and rights violations...

If that weren't enough, the dork regrets that the impression created is that everyone living in Kashmir is a terrorist "but after visiting the place I have come to the conclusion that nobody here is a terrorist. It is actually a misnomer created by politicians to further their own nefarious designs."

Words fail me... and what does leap to my mind, the sainted editor will never permit. Therefore, I reproduce my friend Gopal's disgust-filled lines: "This is wonderful. We have a clown complaining to the Muslims about Indian security forces killing cows and accusing the BJP of being communal. And then we have the BJP tripping all over itself trying to prove that it is secular, while pointing to us as the real communal fanatics. Is Hinduism in India a lost cause?" Then there's my favourite colonel, a veteran of too many close battles: "It angers and pains me that this buffoon is giving respectability to terrorists. Where was he when Pandits were being massacred? Where was he when Sikhs were murdered in Chithi Singhpura? I feel very let down by my countrymen."

I haven't mentioned the dork's axe against the Sangh Parivar, have I? Since the time he took charge of his math, on February 2, 1995, he's been going hammer and tongs at them - with ne'er a blink at religious or social problems. It's just been politics, politics and more politics:

Did you notice that " khaki chaddis"? Apart from it being a dead give-away as to who his political mentors are - his sidekick used to be the political secretary to PV Narasimha Rao - would you like another example of the kind of decorum this "genuine saint" espouses? "This government has become a nautanki. Advani is no leader, he is merely a naach-gaanewala. Such people should be given their own entertainment arena and not allowed to occupy such high positions in office." Nice...

For those of you who, despite his calling murdering terrorists merely "misguided" souls, are feeling très benevolent towards the dork for his anti-Parivar salvo, here's one to make you mull: "The Shankaracharya expressed himself in favour of a benevolent dictatorship for India which would safeguard the interests of the people..."

Well, if you think the dork is even faintly concerned about India or keeping the faith, you must be nuts! His neeyat stood naked when he asked the VHP to keep away from the Ram Mandir because: "We have been building temples for generations since the days of Adi Shankaracharya. This job should be left to us." This is a territory war - not over Ram or Kashmir, but of ego and over temporal power. The more I think, the more I'm convinced: It is high time that India becomes a truly secular nation.

Varsha Bhosle